I digress...

When I first started teaching, I had a PLAN. I was going to be the absolute best teacher that had ever existed. I was going to set the minds of my students on fire with enthusiasm for learning. I was going to create an unbelievable desire within them to learn, grow and be more. To that effect; I spent the entire summer before I started creating my plan book.

It was, and still is, a work of art. I had lessons planned for the entire year. I used five different color inks, highlighted certain goals and objectives, and in general created a document that was elegant and organized. My tidy soul rejoiced. I remember setting it on my desk, precisely in the center. I had a cup of five colored pens next to it, a few highlighters set at a right angle, and post it notes for critiquing my performance. The entire desk was a work of art. I sometimes wish, wistfully, that I had thought to take a picture of it. It was that beautiful.

Needless to say, three weeks into my teaching career, I stood wiping the ashes of that plan book from my face. All my color coded nonsense had gone up in flames, and a new plan book had arisen. Gone were the highlighters set at right angles, if I could locate a pen on command it was a good day-much less one of a specific color, and I lived in fear that someone would ask to see my plan book. The pheonix wasn't quite as beautiful as he was before.

I had nightmares that I presented Peter with a trash bag of post-it notes, scrawled upon napkins, a few coffee cups, and my severed left hand. I remember thinking how unprofessional that might seem.

After those first frantic weeks, the planning thing sorta leveled itself off. I would never dare to say that I have created a work of planning art again. However, there is some sort of beauty in a well executed post-it note. Planning became something I did after a lesson. I saw how the lesson went and then decided what to do next. I realized very quickly that I could not plan more than a lesson in advance. How these women, whom I decided were really aliens, could sit down and gleefully plan a whole week, was completely beyond me. I had an idea of where I would like to be at the end of the week, a solid thought about the end of the unit, and a real plan for the whole year; but the actual day to day plan? That I needed to take a little slower.

At one point, I thought that would come with time. I figured that with enough experience I would be able to predict exactly what the kids would understand, what they would accomplish, and what I could present in a day. My guess was that it was my inexperience that was making planning on a day to day basis impossible. The only cure for inexperience is experience, so I didn't sweat it. I told myself that at some point I'd be one of those smug alien women-brandishing my plan book, hair neatly tucked behind my ears instead of pencils, wire and string, calmly correcting neat stacks of papers. When I was an alien, I would sit back and watch the non aliens scramble in bewildered confusion until they too got it right. That would be my reward.

Six years later, I'm still patting my pockets for a post-it note, and scribbling a better idea down because they just didn't get it.

The entire point of this, because I know you're wondering if there is a point, is I never quite got the hang of planning out my year. I'm able to plan the big picture, with rough time frames and big ideas, but day to day happens day to day. I know that I'll start here and end up there. That would be about it.

Therefore, I am experiencing a bit of a challenge with the whole lesson planning aspect of this grant. I'm sticking to a concept map. Although it is less of a map and more of a circle. I know what I'd do if everything went smoothly, but then I know what I'll do if they don't get it. Sometimes that means the lines all interconnect, except one who lies way over in the corner, with no line attached. He's a lonely lesson hanging out in the middle of this jumble, and I'm sure he'll connect somehow; but the program doesn't have the scrawled napkin, severed hand option to link him to the lessons. I think that would make concept mapping software more user friendly. A few severed hand icons, and a string you could tie around a big toe graphic and I'd be all set.

This is good for me. It feels a bit like that beautiful plan book I created that first year. I like the colors, the ideas, and the thoughts. It is a bit like my passion for theoretical physics. Beautiful, elegant concepts that fall apart when applied to the real world.

I fully intend to cheat and change this concept map as I go along.